Fifty Shades of Grey

– Secretary v.s. 50 Shades –

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Around mid February, I watched the two most distinctive BDSM film in the same week. One with my friend J, one with my man. The two film talked similar theme with different context and background, and therefore received very different fate from one another.

The one I watched with J filled with a man and a woman, the woman was inexperienced and the man was “so-called” damaged inside despite great deal of wealth. He showered her with luxuries that ordinary people could not possibly afford, while grooming her to be able to adjust his BDSM preference. She wanted him with her own ideals of what love supposed to be, while she was able to adjust some parts of it, she began to grow fearful over his controlling ways – for example, stalking her all the way to her mother’s hometown. He often placed her in isolated state, secrecy left her impossible to consult others for the situation. Eventually she decided to leave, for feeling too overwhelmed by him.

The other one I watched filled with a woman who had been troubled by self-harm and a lawyer who has been dealing with his dominating nature, he was her boss. One night he saw her harming herself and resolved to stop her doing so, by giving orders to her on things to be done. The effect strangely turned her to better state, while families were worried for her. Eventually her boss feared his nature out of control and rejected her, yet she won him back by fighting her way and her patience.

Both film were equally pretty and lovely, yet I enjoyed the latter better for greater positivity and the characters seemed more equal.


– #FiftyShadesisabuse –

to she has to keep secrets from him so she wouldn’t have to deal with his “anger issue”.

I wouldn’t be ashamed to admit I would like to see the film version of “Fifty Shades of Grey”,

just to see how it was done from novel, while many women were looking forward to it, there were also women who worried for two things:

1. the promotion of domestic violence on women

2. how the violence would conflate with consented BDSM

There have been articles criticising how “Fifty Shades of Grey” cause greater problem on people’s understanding on BDSM in itself, for example the overshadowing on the fact that Submissive part and Dominating part would always have to discuss their limits etc before beginning, for example discussion on safe-words. While a lot of the time (from what I read on the novel), the heroine’s life was being controlled by Mr Grey – from the necessity of excercising and dieting, to she has to hide things from him so she wouldn’t have to deal with his tantums. (

Therefore yes we have to not just make awareness upon what “Fifty Shades of Grey” conflated, but also to have more quality work of literature, television and movies to differentiate/distinguish BDSM from Domestic Abuse, as clearly there are a lot of confusion that were carried by various women on social media (esp Twitter) over the two.

– BDSM, Feminism – (Fifty Shades of Grey) (Story of O Intro) (Rihanna – S&M)


I bought “Story of O” today while I was in Waterstones,

I did not know why I had this strong desire to read it, I should’ve been put off reading about BDSM thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey (since it was pretty terrible and I can feel no related to it). Beside this, it was to do with my conflict over feminism – well I am not totally a feminist, but I do however share similar ideals as many other feminists such as request for gender equality and  sexism matter. Yet often feminists (esp. radical ones) seemed very touchy about sex in general, let alone BDSM. For them it seemed, BDSM was the most degrading intercourse of all sex, judged by the way things were structured – bondage and spanking etc. Women often seen playing the submission role, when men mostly do the dominating role. And so it goes, it is for people very hard to believe that being feminists and like BDSM can be something that exist in one person…

Sources to look up:

– Anais Nin, Erotica –


“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”- Anais Nin

My friend R told me about her experiences on reading Anais Nin’s “Delta of Venus”, she didn’t seem to be enjoying much of it, as the stories seemed brutal. I smiled to the comment, thought of Anais Nin ever since.

Anais Nin was known to me as someone who was famous for writing erotica, with a famous name call “Delta of Venus”. Until then for me I always felt very divided in feelings for erotica, either too ashamed to be in touch with it, or despise it because great literature seemed involved little to nothing on sex, or just not classy enough. Even when I was reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”, I found it impossibly hard to speak out loud about it.

A while later one night when working in a bookshop, a customer got in and bought some books that seemed would raise eyebrows in people, we talked about whether “Fifty Shades of Grey” indeed liberated women to read erotica legitimately, or if possibly able to explore sex freely as men. It might happened I said, but people would be too afraid to actually read it in public. As Erving Goffman would put it, people n a way already internalized the sense of shame (in stigma) – in order not to be stigmatized, they would try to self-regulate…

For me reading about sex often annoyed me – in erotica, the actions seemed to be constantly focus on the actions, the actual scenes. When sex was very easily done with tension, something that built up from the beginning of attractions. For example The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton, shared a sense of sexual tension – even just by taking off the gloves or kissing the shoes! I would be grateful if EJ James ever got upto that kind of level, or should I try write one out myself?